Obsessive Ex Syndrome - Links, Resources & Help

Can Therapy Help an Abuser? Thoughtful essay and responses
Excerpts: "[Donald B.] Saunders suggested 13 dimensions of abuser psychology, clustered in three behavior patterns: Family Only, Emotionally Volatile, and Generally Violent. Consider these disparities: one quarter of his sample - those victimized in childhood - showed no signs of depression or anger! At the other end of the spectrum, one of every six abusers was violent only in the confines of the family and suffered from high levels of dysphoria and rage.
"Impulsive batterers abuse only their family members. Their favorite forms of mistreatment are sexual and psychological. They are dysphoric, emotionally labile, asocial, and, usually, substance abusers. Instrumental abusers are violent both at home and outside it - but only when they want to get something done. They are goal-oriented, avoid intimacy, and treat people as objects or instruments of gratification."

Abusive Men Need Treatment within Men's Groups - fascinating article bizarrely truncated

Brainwashing - does some of this sound eerily similar to the relationship you escaped?

Calm Clinic - for those who suffer from anxiety disorders

Books:

In Love and In Danger: a Teen's Guide to Breaking Free by Barrie Levy

Violent Attachments by Dr. J. Reid Meloy

The Psychology of Stalking by Dr. J. Reid Meloy

Books about Stalking protection and prevention

Controlling People: Recognize, Understand and Deal with People Who Try to Control You

Be Alert, Be Aware, Have a Plan: Personal Security by Neal Rawls, Sue Kovach

I Know You Really Love Me: Stalking and Obsessive Love by Doreen Orion

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

The Domestic Violence Sourcebook by Dawn Bradley Berry
Excerpts: "The vast majority of stalking crimes are committed by former husbands or boyfriends against women who have left the relationship. Stalking involves any pattern of behavior that serves no legitimate purpose and is intended to harass, annoy, or terrorize the victim. The stalker is obsessed with the victim, and can't cope with the rejection and anger he feels when she leaves. The stalker often wants to 'take revenge' on the victim, who is blamed for causing these feelings."
"Up to 75 percent of those reporting [partner] abuse have left and are being stalked, harassed, and assaulted by former husbands or boyfriends."
"Abusers sometimes fight for custody of children as another means of controlling and antagonizing a woman who left them; or they abduct their children ... One 1991 study found that more than 50 percent of child abductions were the result of domestic violence. Not surprisingly, this type of power play with a child as pawn causes the child tremendous anxiety and, in many cases, prolonged emotional trauma."

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans

Why Is It Always About You? Saving Yourself from the Narcissicists in Your Life by Sandy Hotchkiss

Books on Letting Go (if you are an obsessed ex):

How to Heal a Broken Heart by Howard Bronson, Mike Riley

Letting Go by Dr. Tracy Cabot, Zev Wanderer

Putting Children First: a Guide for Parents Breaking Up by Hanna McDonough, Christina Bartha

Links on Letting Go (if you are an obsessed ex):

Let Go Of Your Anger for the Sake of your Children

Let Go of a Lost Love Interest
(the "skip ad" button is in upper right corner)

Let Go of a Bad Relationship

Learn to Let Go (forum answers)

Remember: "Love Conquers All" is an utterly false expression. Even if you both still love each other, the fact that a breakup has occurred means you were NOT meant to be together. (Break-ups that reconcile usually break up again, and you don't want to go through the misery of this break-up twice!) Love is not the only issue in a relationship. You should be looking for a good love that is right for you -- not trying to recover a love that wasn't right for you.

Personal Sites:

Wife and husband, stalked by his ex-wife: "Stalked by Susan"

Marquerite, killed by ex-boyfriend

Have you personally encountered or witnessed any Obsessive Ex situations? Please take our anonymous survey.

Back to Obsessive Ex homepage